1. Pink helmet stories
My Pink Helmet
I had purchased a pink rafting helmet from an Oregon sports store upon my arrival from Australia. It was the only one left in my size and I needed a helmet the next day for guiding a raft trip. The attendant seemed surprised that I would take it and I remember saying nonchalantly that it was a good as any other color. Well, many years later, my pink helmet has some amazing stories to tell. It has received more uninvited comments from strangers and friends than I could ever have imagined. Hardly a day went by on the river without someone letting me know his opinion. Yes, not surprisingly all of the comments were from men.
Stories from my pink helmet
We were on an overnight rafting trip on the Upper Klamath River on the California border. A passenger in the other raft guided by my friend Bill called out to me in a jeering tone. He jested, in feigned feminine voice, that he liked my color choice of purple life vest and pink helmet, and then he held up limp wrists in a mocking gay simulation. Jokingly, but with a little sting in my words, I called back that I could chat with him at camp about his homophobia, explaining that I taught gender classes in area schools and could clue him in. He replied angrily, that he was an ex-sheriff and that he shot gays! Wow! Shocked by his harsh response I pulled my raft farther downriver to regroup my thoughts.
In the calmer sections of the river, I watched my mind running numerous scenarios and possible responses. I wondered about the feelings of the twelve people in our two rafts. What if some of them were gay or had gay family members as I did? I wanted to ask him if I was gay would he have run the rapids with me. I wondered how the others felt. Why would he say he shot gay men, would he want to shoot my gay family member, was he really dangerous or literally just shooting his mouth off? However, I did not at the time, reflect on his fear and pain or how he had become so hardened. All too soon the size and intensity of the rapids demanded my full focus so I gladly put the incident aside.
I made a point to look him up that evening after dinner duties and tried to build some rapport with him. We chatted for a while under the vast starlit sky but after a few probing questions from me it was clear that he would not say anymore about the topic. Perhaps he was embarrassed by his angry response or by exposing himself in mixed company. For my part I wondered if I had not been such a wise guy when he first taunted me might we not have had a better dialogue. My initial response had simply polarized us more. I had training in non- adversarial communication skills and could have gently learned more about his stance rather than making him wrong for his beliefs. I wondered about my smug political correctness and regretted a missed opportunity for healing between two men whose emotional development, had, most likely been trashed during the long years in male boot camp. That could have been our common bond.
On other occasions, even some of my peers, river guides working for other companies, could not restrain themselves from commenting vigorously. These comments, although frivolous, were a reminder that attitudes and traditions varied from nation to nation. One day I heard the words “G’day Ponce” ring out across the river. I have no doubt this taunt was meant as fun. The ‘G’day’ greeting acknowledged my Aussie identity and ‘ Ponce’ was an Australian term for a gay man. I looked up and saw Lou, a raft guide I liked very much, but, one who took care to promote a strong masculine image.
Underlying the humor however, it was clear that men wearing pink clothing or equipment pushed my friend’s homophobe buttons. Amazingly, although I’d owned an outdoor adventure company in Australia for many years, I had never received comments about any colors I wore. Was America more homophobic or just different? These absurd incidents illustrate the power of the dominant male attitudes to shape behaviors. Whilst I understand the reasons for the comments I’ve found conforming in this manner to be restrictive. I’d actually thought it silly that an outdated belief could prevent a man from wearing a color he liked!
Sadly my pink helmet is no more. When I returned to the US after several years in Australia, I found the helmet had split down the middle from plastic decay. I rang the rafting shops trying to get another but there were none in pink. I had come to love my pink helmet; I was addicted to the excitement of the teasing and the opportunities it gave to tease back. Perhaps in the process, my pink helmet helped people make a few steps towards gay equity and acceptance.
Lessons from the pink helmet experiences?
I find psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg’s theory of moral development applicable to men’s personal growth. There are three stages. Pre-conventional moral thinking and behaving, such as found in elementary school children, is shaped by the threat or application of punishment usually by ‘authority’ figures.
The second level, seeks to do what will gain the approval of others, abiding by the law and responding to the obligations of duty. Many men operate at stages one and two evidenced when they conform to the dysfunctional norms of the dominant masculinity; the old male paradigm. Fancy a law officer whose socializing is so powerful it would lead him to say he shoots gays!
The third level of moral thinking is one that Kohlberg says is not reached by the majority of adults, in the case we are discussing, not reached by the majority of men. Stage three is an understanding of social mutuality and genuine interest in the welfare of others. At this level one will act according to his conscience, against, if necessary, the will of the group. Attaining this level can take years of personal growth and s elf-reflection. This requires considerable courage, but this form of courage is crucial to all peace and equity processes that men undertake. It’s the courage to support the man but not the antisocial behavior. In the case of the ex-sheriff I failed to achieve this; I, like he, was too quick to pull the trigger.
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