| Getting Started
There was a point in my life where I had not done any conscious growth
work despite achieving significant successes in the material
world. I had attained all my dreams and had a wondeful life - on the outside.
I could not have expressed it then in this way - but I was a mess on the inside.
I kept up my mask and I doubt any others saw my mess.
My inner mess was magnified in 1989, after the end of a long marriage. It hit me when I realized
I had few skills for maintaining an equitable relationship.
That is when my inner exploration began in earnest.
At that time I had little emotional
competence (intelligence) and few communication skills
which could help me resolve the inevitable conflicts without
resorting to reactivity, emotional abuse, temper tantrums, intimidating behaviors
or worse.
Consequently I have lots of compassion for men and boys who
today find themselves in a similar situation. Nevertheless
we suffer the consequences arising from our socialization,
as do those who are close to us, so it pays to invest in partnership
skills as soon as possible.
Every man who has done so has no regrets and finds himself and gains a real life in the process.
I’d suggest dual approaches which can happen
simultaneously.
In short our work is inner work. We have to repair the considerable damage done by the dominator system we have been socialised in. We have been groomed to perpetuate a military industrial complex that serves only a few at the top of the pyramid.
One approach concerns the inner journey, identifying and
healing our wounds, getting in touch with our deeper authentic self, developing new levels
of consciousness and being able to express our emotions functionally when they come up, as they do.
The other approach concerns concrete actions we might make. For example
we might join a men’s group working to prevent violence
against women or become part of mentoring groups helping young men develop
positive masculinities.
It is most likely that the work and group interactions will
contribute to our personal growth as well; we will grow on
the inside while doing useful work on the outside.
I am preparing a series of self help books for men - simple and succinct - since the therapy approach challenges many men.
Until I develop this section further I advise aspirants to:
- become well acquainted with the concepts on this site
- sit quietly each day and ask your heart what it wants
- read the articles in the articles section - write down any ideas or feelings which arise
- become educated about gender issues, especially gender violence in its many forms
- become familiar with the peace studies framework including origins of violence and transformation of violence via the peace discourse, apply this framework to your own life - the macro is like the micro - I find this very useful
- explore some of the other sites from the links section and download reading material
- look at some of the excellent books mentioned in the XY online site in the links section— there are 15,000 books and articles listed in Michael Flood’s * men’s bibliography section
- enroll in mediation training and communication skills classes
- consider joining groups including men against violence, anti-sexist men’s groups or any groups working to improve social equity in your area
- click here for 10 actions men can take to help prevent gender violence (Jackson Katz) - contemplate
- click here for 7 actions men can take from the White Ribbon Campaign
- alternatively you could get a group together and have me conduct a presentation, workshop or training session for you
- contact me
* Michael Flood from Australia, has compiled the men’s
bibliography and categorized them
into some 37 groupings such as:
The best reading on men & masculinities
a) Reading for the beginner
b) The best texts
Growing up male
a) Boys and masculinities
b) Boys and schooling in particular
(i) The best reading
(ii) Further reading
(iii) Male teachers & male childcare workers
c) Growing up female, gender and childhood/youth
d) Mothers and sons
e) Gender and education
Intimacy, personal healing and growth, relationships
a) General references
b) Relationships with women
c) Sexual addiction
d) Recovery & self-help
e) Grief
Resources for men's groups, activism and social
change
a) Men and social change
b) General writing on social change work
c) Nonviolence
Good luck!
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